 
My School of Parenting
by Diane Ladd
One of my theories in life is that we have to be solid enough to provide a foundation so that our children can stand on our shoulders in the hopes that they'll see further that we did. If that happens, then the entire human race might really become humane- that's the hope.
I was a single mother back in the days when there weren't many of us
around. Most women I knew were married with kids; I just had the child but lost the ring. When I look back now, I'm not sure how I raised a daughter on my own and worked at an acting career.
Let's take a moment and sing the praises of all single working mothers out there. They don't call it a mother lode for nothing, because this type of life can be a real load. Today there are many single fathers out there, and my hat is also off to them.
Parenting Lessons
The first lesson I learned as a single parent of a daughter is that you
have to let each other off the hook. If you make somebody feel guilty,
they're going to hate you. Guilt and resentment are entwined as a kind of
negative pas de deux. (By the way, you shouldn't make adults feel guilty
either.)
As for kids, relating to them at their level of emotional development makes for validated children, talking down to a child is patronizing and can lead to feelings of inferiority. You can treat them in a childlike way, but not childishly. The latter comes with all kinds of judgments
In terms of structure and discipline. Let's say that your son or daughter
does something wrong, which everyone will do from time to time. Rather than using the old paradigm of strident authority and fear-based parenting, let the child off the hook by creating an emotion based in safety and truth.
It's a unique way of parenting: Let things slide once in a while- not all
the time, but every now and then. When my little girl did something a little naughty, I didn't jump to the age-old "Go to your room!" Instead, I'd look at her and say. "All right, here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna go out and have a malted milk and talk about his." I guarantee that your child's jaw will hit the floor- and he or she will listen!
Understand that you're not encouraging improper behavior. You just go get the malt and say, " I thought it would be a good thing if we shared
something sweet while we talked. I'm not giving you the malt because you did something wrong. And, by the way, because you did something wrong, you can't go to a movie this weekend."
I never ended the talk on a negative note. I'd always add, "But, honey, I
want you to know that you're loved. I also want you to know that we all do things wrong. I want to help you do things right. And if you don't
understand what to do, just talk to me. Talk to me baby. Use your words." At this point, if you're using this strategy, you'll put your arm s around your child and hug him. That way the kid isn't afraid to come and tell you that he did something wrong.
It's sad that many parents take the opposite approach. They wait at the
kitchen table for their child to return home and bark, "Get your butt over
here! You did something horrible!" I think that I've figured out why certain
folks do that: They're still terrified of their own parents, and remain
scared of their own childhoods. As kids, these people were told that they
didn't do things right. Now, as grown-ups, they're so afraid of making a
mistake- and God forbid that their child should make one!
It's tragic to me when I run into people who were abused either physically
or emotionally as children. Just so you're aware, there are approximately
374,270 registers child molesters of children living in the United States
today. Beware! Protect your child. The parents of these criminals didn't
love themselves either and took that loathing to a state where they abused their own children in one way or another. The cycle can continue generation after generation.
I'm certainly not saying that I'm a perfect parent. I don't believe that
anyone fits that description, just as there aren't any perfect people yet!
God isn't finished with us, and we're all still evolving or spiraling. I
made a lot of mistakes as a mother, and my daughter will mess up, and my grandchildren will do the same with their children. What's important is to be able to say that you really tried.
The other day someone asked me if I believed in spanking. I can see how a parent might be caught in the type of emotional spiral where they believe that it's time to go to the last resort, which is to get physical. However, I don't believe that "to spare the rod is to spoil the child" No way! I just don't believe in hitting, which is basically physical abuse. Talk it out, even when you don't think the words are working. They'll get through eventually, and you'll be glad that you didn't go down the other path.
Healthy Parenting
It's important to listen to your child with the "ear" of your heart because it creates mutual self-respect. I tried to really hear my daughter,
encouraging her to feel that she would always be safe coming to me to talk about anything. I'll never forget the afternoon when Laura was 13 came home from school, put her books down, grabbed some ice cream, and calmly stated,
"You know, Mother, a lot of kids in my class have already had sex."
This utterly shocked, nearly hysterical mother froze on the outside.
Inside, a rapidly pounding heart silently shook my entire body. But forcing myself to be calm and rational, I asked in a quiet voice, "Well, honey, how do you feel about that?"
My daughter took several bites of her ice cream, sighed, and responded with the wisdom that God gives the innocent. "Well, even though their bodies may be ready for sex, emotionally they're not prepared to exchange energy with another human being."
I was stunned and though, if only we could teach all of our children the
meaning of that statement, then this would be a better world. The point is
that we must show our children how to make choices that are good for them and will bring the results that they really want- not just provide a
momentary pleasure that might complicate their lives. It's still a good idea to teach looking before you leaping. (I wish I could get that one through To a few adults, too!)
On that day over ice cream, I said to my wise daughter, "That's' really a mature opinion, Laura. I'm so impresses with your point of view. "She
grinned happily, made some popcorn and went to get the checkers game. Discussion over.
About the Author:
Diane's new book, "Spiraling Through the School of Life," covers her journey to find her miracles through releasing anger and learning to forgive; some good old-fashioned Southern home healing; and the right way to eat and stay active. She has been nominated three times for each Emmys and Oscars and is the recipient of 23 other international awards. Diane and her daughter, Laura Dern, made show-business history as the only mother/daughter duo to be nominated for an Oscar in the same film. For more information on her book, please visit. www.dianeladd.com.
Montessori Schools  |
What is Montessori schooling? And how is it different from regular schooling? |
| Imagination |
A raincoat, pair of boots and the vacuum hose, a towel tied around the neck and cries of "up, up and away"... |
HOT CHOCOLATE FOR THE TEACHERS
By Paul R. May
Every parent knows the frustration of dealing with sleepy kids on school mornings. One winter morning my daughters and I decided to do something kind for their teachers, and I stood back and watched as my girls transformed into super-efficient turbo kids.
We are fortunate to have a wonderful elementary school in our neighborhood, with teachers who work really hard for our kids. Every morning, about a dozen teachers stand outside in the car line, opening car doors and guiding kids to their classes. We parents really appreciate this assistance in the mornings, and it makes for a safe and efficient drop-off routine.
In the warmer months, the mornings are beautiful, and the teachers enjoy being out in the Florida sunshine. But last winter the temperatures dipped into the thirties on some mornings, and our teachers were miserable. From the heated interior of our car, we saw them standing outside at the drop-off lane, bouncing up and down and holding their arms close to their bodies. Their breath froze in the morning chill as they greeted the children.
I heard my girls talking about how cold the teachers looked. We thought it would be a great idea to get up early one morning, make up a big pot of hot chocolate, and hand it out to all of the teachers in the car line. It would be a lot of fun to hand a hot cup of chocolate to a shivering teacher.
The temperature the next morning hovered just above freezing, cold enough to frost the girls’ bedroom windows. Shivering as she finished up her shower, my seven-year-old poked her head out of the bathroom door.
“Hey!” she said. “We should do the hot chocolate thing for the teachers!”
Already running late and flinging lunch bags and peanut butter around the kitchen, I looked at my watch.
“Sorry, kiddo,” I said. “We’re going to have to do it another time. We need to plan ahead and get up early, so we have plenty of time to get things ready. But we’ll do it one day this week. I promise.”
Then Caitlin, my ten-year-old, rushed into the kitchen.
“C’mon, Dad. We can do it. We’ll hurry. Let’s go for it!”
Again, I turned them down. We barely had half an hour left to get to school as it was. Caitlin dropped her head and walked out of the kitchen, and Maggie turned slowly away to start getting dressed. I looked again at my watch.
“Listen up,” I said. Both girls came running back into the kitchen. “I have an idea, but we’ll really have to hustle to make it happen. Here’s what I’m thinking. Maggie, you fly through getting dressed, brush your teeth, and grab both backpacks. Caitlin, you help me finish putting lunches together and make some toast for breakfast.” The girls grinned at each other as I continued. “If we can get out of here in five minutes, we’ll have just enough time to swing through a McDonald’s drive through and get hot chocolate to go.”
“Good idea!” Maggie shouted. Then she was gone, running for her toothbrush.
The thrill of doing something kind for my kids’ teachers was material enough on its own for writing this story. But it was how my girls jumped in to help – how much passion they had for this idea at six-thirty in the morning – that made it such a memorable experience.
If you ask any parent about getting their kids ready for school in the morning, I can guarantee you won’t get a cheerful response. My house is no exception. But this particular morning, once we had committed to doing this exciting act of kindness, my little girls turned into early morning super-heroes!
As I pulled the milk jug out of the fridge, Caitlin was already setting two glasses on the counter. She had a knife waiting in the margarine tub and the cinnamon sugar out on the counter when the toaster dinged.
When I was finished making sandwiches, she said, “I got the rest, Dad,” and started stuffing things into the lunch bags. I stopped for just a second to watch her. It was kitchen poetry.
Maggie appeared three seconds later, dressed, teeth brushed, shoes and socks in hand to put on in the car, gathering up backpacks.
I looked at my watch again.
“Well, shoot, girls! I think we’re going to make it!”
We raced out to the car and drove to a McDonald’s a couple of miles away. Pulling up to the drive-through window, I asked for twelve cups of hot chocolate.
“Sorry, ” the lady at the window replied. “Machine’s not working.”
I muttered an okay and looked in the rear-view mirror. Failed mission. The girls looked so defeated. Then I had another idea.
“How ‘bout 7-11?” I asked. “They sell hot chocolate, don’t they?” The girls’ faces sparked up immediately. “Let’s go!” Caitlin shouted.
We pulled into a 7-11 another mile down the road.
“Watch for cars!” I shouted as we pulled into a parking space, and the girls ran through the front door.
Again, the magic happened. Caitlin started pulling cups and stacking them in rows. Maggie was ready with the lids. I pushed the button on the hot chocolate machine and handed cups down the assembly line. As the cups started to multiply, Caitlin grabbed one of the cardboard cup holders and started folding it together. In less than five minutes, we were back in the car, with each girl holding two trays of hot chocolate cups. They giggled as we pulled into the drop-off lane at the school.
I held Maggie’s trays as she jumped into the front seat. Then we rolled down both windows on the right side of the car, and I let the girls hang out of the windows with the trays in their hands.
The first teacher wasn’t quite sure what was going on. She reached for the door before she saw what the girls had in their hands. Maggie held out one of the cups.
“Hot chocolate, for the teachers, to help you guys get warm,” she said.
The teacher’s eyes widened, and she reached for a cup.
“Aren’t you the sweetest thing,” she said. Maggie beamed.
Caitlin and Maggie traded off handing out the hot chocolate, and I looked in my mirror at the teachers in the beginning of the line. They were holding their cups in both hands and sipping carefully. We had two cups left over at the end of the teacher line, so I told the girls to take them in to the secretaries. The office got really cold in the mornings too.
As I pulled away from the school, I saw one of the teachers grab Caitlin and give her a hug. Maggie was skipping off to class with a great big grin on her face. Mission accomplished.
I’d love to say that this event turned my girls into regular models of early-morning efficiency, but of course that’s not the case. I still have to scream to get them out of the shower, and I still pull my hair out when they can’t find their shoes and suddenly realize they were supposed to bring four-dozen cupcakes with them to school. But every once in a while we think about the day we got hot chocolate for the teachers, and then our morning doesn’t seem quite so crazy.
Paul R. May (http://www.paulrmay.com) is a full-time writer and stay at home dad who lives with his wife and daughters in Lithia, Florida. He writes parenting articles and essays and is actively seeking agency representation for two children's novels. Before moving to Florida, Mr. May worked as an English teacher and technical trainer in Maryland."
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